＊～闇月占星館～＊

The day I died once

 

───Sakura Moon───

 

 

 

The day I died.

 

Without any feeling I died.

 

However, I died with grief and indignation.

 

 

“They said that upon dying the first sense one lost is the sight; the second is the taste; then the touch; after is the smell; the last is the hearing.”

 

 

“Here we have a miserable social news. A young lady was found by her families taking large amount of sleeping pills and cut her wrist at bathroom. She was sent to emergency unit for rescue immediately, but still did not recover her life sign due to losing too much blood. According to the hospital, the young lady has a medical history of melancholia. Her family found her written will in her room. It was a possible long planned suicide case. The police intend to do deep investigation of this case and investigate if there was possibility of murdering. The next───“

 

Noise!

 

“ There was a regrettable new at the xxx community. A young lady was found lying in blood. There were several cutting scar at her wrist. She died unfortunately after emergent medical care. In her room people found several written wills. The police has started investigation of the possibility of murdering.───“

 

Very noisy!

 

“───A young lady took large amount of sleeping pills and cut her wrist to commit suicide. She died after emergent rescue, ───”

 

Please say no more!!!

 

“─────Suicide of a young lady. Died after medical care. ───”

 

Shut up!!!

 

“───Suicide───Dead───”

 

 

Shut up, all of you!!!

 

“────────────Death───────────”

 

Shut up!!! Leave me alone!!!

 

It was just the death of some anonymous, a vaporizing disappearance from the world. Why repeating and repeating? Do those audience mind? Besides families and friends, would someone feel sorry and cry for the suicide person. You have nothing to do with it. Don’t make it like you were so familiar with the suicide. Put away your insignificant sympathy. Put them away!!! I don’t need them!!! No need!!!

 

 

 

I do not need a bit of your hypocritical sympathy!!!.

 

Fake smiles, phony words, hypocritical behaviors, the dirty world being put together by all the hypocritical. Selfish, hypocritical and disgusting!

 

No need at all!!!

 

 

 

“The first loss is ─── the sight.”

 

I think that I was dead. If not, why it is so dark around me. I can’t even see my fingers. Oh…my body… my body it feels so light. It feels not any gravity. Is it the feeling of death? No light, no feeling, no taste and even no sound.

 

It looks that death is not so horrible as I imagined. Such world without sadness and pain allows me to hide the most ugly portion of myself. No body sees it. No body will find it. It’s the best; to be surrounded by darkness. The darkness must be able to bury all my dirty truth and memory to the deepest place. Let my life as painful as a movie draw a period at this moment.

 

On recalling, it still feeling not so real. I only know that all has been relieved. Those so disgusting phony words, the look, which could not watch me directly, and the touch of caressing my hands through and every of those disgusting camouflage needs not to get close. Wrapping me like this; listen to nothing, seeing nothing and all the senses are not worth caring.

 

 

 

“De you regret of dying?”

 

 

 

No, not at all! As long as I can leave this annoying world, the little hurt before my death is nothing. Comparing to that thing, it was just nothing. By using this method of relieving, I saved my own soul and give it a peaceful belonging.

 

I have had no yearning to this dirty and phony world long time ago!

 

 

 

“The second loss─── is the sense of touch.”

 

I probably am not dead fully. Otherwise why I only lost my sight but other senses are still there. I just could not wait to disappear from this dirty and ugly world. This is the only way to help me get away from it faster. It only troubles me, if I can still sense a little to this world.

 

“Everyone has a few minutes to talk to the deceased alone. Please make good use of such a short time……..”

The emcee told to the folks faintly and simply left some words and left the room. The family members were left there. .

 

Whose voice was that? Never heard of it. Those talking there with sorrow in the voice! How disgusting the hypocrisy is! We don’t even know each other. What you are sorry for? What you are grieving for?

 

 

 

 

“That is the emcee of the funeral! The emcee conducts your funeral.”

 

 

So, did my funeral already start? There is still a funeral service for a person like me. Then I guess that I am in a coffin. I did not know it paved with soft cushion. The softness surprises me. I don’t know what color is my coffin. Is it in red that I like most? Or is it in traditional black? However, it was already a great mercy to a person like me to have something to keep such dilapidated, impure body.

 

Therefore, I said that I am not regretful at all.

 

“ Yueh, Papa is the first to bit farewell with you. I know clearly that more query can not call back your life, but Papa still want to know why you had to do so. Why did you thought this way? You were only the victim. You don’t need to take any responsibility and don’t need to take it upon your self. So, why? Why did you give up yourself so easily? …..”

Han-Yueh’s father touched slightly the white face of his most loved daughter and choked with sob.

 

Papa, my dear papa, please forgive me completing my life in such a selfish way. I love you as you love me. It is the pure white love, an unstained love.

 

However, after that thing happened, I could not say “I love you” any more with my dirty body.

 

“No one would blame you. Even after that kind of thing happened, you were always yourself. Please forgive Papa. I couldn’t help you do anything at that time. Forgive Papa ran away from you. If possible, please let Papa be your Papa again in next life. Papa will well protect you.” Papa finally could not help to let his tears fall upon the pale lips and put his hand lightly on the hands of Han-Yueh on her chest.

 

 

Papa, your hand is too warm to be touched. But there was only hate after that thing happened. It made me not able to speak Love to everyone. So, please let me continue to hate this world!

 

So, please give me up. Give up the stained in the inside heart myself.

 

My body is so light as there is no weight. Am I still lying in this coffin?

 

Papa, are you still touch my hand? 

 

Why I couldn’t feel the warm of your hand any more?  

 

 

 

 

 

“After is─── the smell.”

 

What are those scattered around me? Very familiar smell. Very familiar.

 

 

 

They are chrysanthemum.

 

 

 

Humph! Chrysanthemum? The chrysanthemum representing noble and pure character? It’s difficult for them to put chrysanthemum together with the not a bit pure person. Although it’s a tradition to use chrysanthemum in funerals, the flower words of its meaning is not acceptable to me.

 

I hate this world. I hate to the extent that I hope this world destroys and disappears immediately.

 

“Mama, it’s your turn.”

A man hands a crying mother and said softly.

 

“You go first. Take a look at your little sister, your poor little sister. The sister that could not rest in peace until she closed her eyes.”

Mama pushed her son to the dark red coffin, which was ordered specially for their loved daughter.

 

Is the person who loses his eyesight usually more sensitive with his other senses? Surprisingly I can smell the fragrance of flower, and it’s my favorite fragrance of Jasmine. White Jasmine. The white color that represents purity! How ironic! The pure white and a dirty person like me? I don’t even have the thought of touching it, just because I hated so much the hypocritical and dirty world.

 

 

 

“What is your real thinking of hating this world?”

 

 

 

It is because I don’t think I deserve the ever-so-beautiful world in my heart. Or maybe I can say that after that thing happened, the world could never accommodate me. All those eyesight, words tingled me badly.

 

Therefore, I hate. I hate all of the people. I hope all the people to disappear.

 

“My dear sister, I brought your favorite jasmine to put around you. Hope the jasmine can accompany you going to your forwarding world.”

Han-Yueh’s brother poured the big bag of jasmine out and scattered them around her. Those jasmines falling around her black look like beautiful snow flakes- snow flakes with fragrance.

 

My brother, please forgive me for such thing happened to me. You must be puzzled very much. Your company people must all knew that thing. They would gesticulate you on your back. I have no way to ask you forgive me, so I decided to let me disappear from this world. So, you will not have any trouble then.

 

“Please forgive your brother for not being able to protect you. It was clearly that I said that I should protect you before you were born. However, it still happened that you encountered that thing. I am sorry.”

Her brother could not hold his sadness. His tears fell on his beloved sister. Countless sorry words made the Papa and Mama stand beside him cried more bitterly.

 

I don’t want your apologies. This is what I want. Your apologies would not make me sentimentally attached to this world or regret what I did, as it was too painful. But I am really sorry to mess up your peaceful lives.

 

Jasmine. The pure white jasmine with pure, virtue, modest and nimble flower words go with injured and dirty body caused by that thing. Isn’t it ridiculous? Do I still deserve to have you? Can I still like the snowy white you in my current state?

 

Why? I gradually can’t smell you? My favorite jasmine! If the smell faded, then I can not smell Mama’s loved fragrance.

 

My brother, are those jasmines still around me?

 

 

 

“Then it is─── the taste.”

 

Starting from a while ago, there has been water dropping to my mouth. Is it dripping somewhere in the room? I did not realize the funeral place being so humble. But it seemingly matches the dirty and ugly dead person like me. Nothing is odd! However, what is it with such salty, bitter and puckering taste? Can’t it be the rain?

 

 

 

“It is the tear, which is the sorrow and sad tear from the eyes of your families.＂

 

 

 

The water dropping on my lips was warm and stinging at the beginning. It was the kind of ache in heart and hard to describe. But I don’t need their tears. I do not deserve their tears.

 

After all that kind of ache was not so desperate as it was at that time.

 

“Mama, say something to Han-Yueh. She must be waiting you to bid farewell to her.”

My brother walked back to Mama, taking her hand and walk slowly toward the dark-red coffin with Han-Yueh’s body.

 

“Han-Yueh, Han-Yueh, my poor daughter, though I knew that I shouldn’t cry, the deep sorrow of losing daughter still made me not being able to stop crying and thinking of you, after you went to the other world. You must remember that Mama loves you very much. Even after that incidence, Mama still loves you very much forever and forever.”

Mama moved closer to the head of Han-Yueh. She lowered her head trying to sculpture the image of Han-Yueh’s peaceful, sleeping-like face into her own mind.

 

Mama, dear Mama, the 10 month pregnancy for having me Mama, you must be disappointed with me. After all I ended the life you gave me in this way. I left this ugly and hypocritical world in such a way with no last smile and no love.

 

Because I could not say to you that I love you.

 

“Why you? Why that incidence happened on you? My only baby, you were only a child, the poor child broke my heart, please excuse Mama. Please excuse Mama’s powerless at that time.”

The tears dropped like the unceasing rain. Mama was hurt even more when she thought of her only daughter being saved several times after trying to kill herself and at finally collapsed and nearly out of her mind.

 

I don’t want the apologies. I don’t need your apologies. I am the one that have to apologize. Because of me, the home became a mess. Papa wore a sad face all day long. Mama quitted her job. No need to mention my brother, who must be gesticulated in his company.

 

 

 

“Not a thing that makes you attached to?”

 

 

 

After that incidence, we moved and moved again, but the neighbors still gesticulating on us. Everyone is hypocritical. They show the sympathizing face outside, but they were laughing inside. They laughed at our family for having such a daughter.

 

Therefore, I hated all the people. I have nothing to attach too. Not a bit!

 

The puckering in my mouth gradually disappeared. I thought that I needed not to say anything anymore. I have no regret and no need to feel sorry for the tears for me.

 

But Mama, have you stopped crying and left me alone?

 

 

 

 

 

“You will regret to leave us in this way. You will be regretful afterwards.”

 

 

 

No, I won’t. I will never regret to cease my life in this way. I can prove to you. I will let you know I already had no attachment and hope in this world.

 

“Excuse me, can I say something to Han-Yueh, though I am not a family member?”

A young man nearby asked those who were standing around the coffin.

 

“Sure. You must come and say something to our baby. It was difficult for you during those days.”

On hearing the man’s words, Mama turned around facing him and tried to make a smile from her sadness.

 

“Don’t mention it that way. I am glad that you gave me the chance, though I could not make any change.”

The man stepped forward, stood in front of the coffin, and looked sadly at the face with light makeup.

 

Why you? Why did you come over? You know clearly that I am dead. You know clearly that nothing can be changed. Why did you still come over? Don’t you know that I won’t change my hate to the world even for you?

 

Even you were not able to convince me to discourage that kind of hate.

 

“To be honest, I am not surprised or feel very sad about your death. I think, it was because I knew already that we might meet each other in such form someday.”

The man neither touched Han-Yueh’s face, nor cried. He only watched the sleeping-like face, speaking softly as saying to himself.

 

“Hey you! Did you mean that you knew my little sister would kill herself long ago? What did you mean?”

Her brother standing behind the man shouted at him after hearing it.

 

“Shi-Chen, calm down. This is your only dearest sister’s funeral”

Watching his son losing control, Papa grabbed him back immediately.

 

“But Papa, he ….”  “Be quiet！Why don’t you let your sister take her last journey quietly with her funeral?”

Papa interrupted Shi-Chen’s words with anger and pointed at Han-Yueh lying in the coffin and Mama held in his own chest and shouted in low voice.

 

Look!  Even such small things can arouse quarrel. What a dirty world!

 

“I am sorry.”

Knowing that it wouldn’t do any good, Shi-Chen apologized softly and walked back to his families watching the man speaking to his beloved sister in her coffin.

 

How can I have attachment to such a world?

 

“Even when you were dying, you still wouldn’t give up your red clothing. It seemed that you would draw the whole world to the hell, cursing everything to destroy.” He still watches at her without touching her or crying.

 

“I hope you could find your true happiness after you get to the other world, with our belated blessing at the place with no sadness and no pain.”

Finally his hand stretched out and touched her light complexioned face.

 

 

 

“You must be regretful.”

 

 

 

No, I won’t. I …..

 

“We all loved you. We loved you very much. The love is hard to describe. Didn’t you see the love of ours to you? We have always loved you so deeply. Have you ever noticed that once in the past?”

Said he gently and knelt by the coffin slowly.

 

“If possible, I hope you remember me forever. I also hope I can fall in love with you in next life. Allow me to love once more such honest, open, generous and natural you.” 

He held the icy hands, lowered his head and kissed gently.

 

“For your sake we’d rather be gesticulated or laughed by others, as we loved you so much. So, please do remember that there are still people who love you in this world.”

 

Please say no more. I do not want to have any attachment.

 

 

 

“You will discover gradually that everyone loves and then you will regret.”

 

 

 

No, I am not regretful at all.

 

“Forgive me. I should have proclaimed to you much earlier. As your boyfriend, I would never allow you encounter that incidence. I am sorry to let you alone and feel so helpless, fearful and painful. I am so sorry.”

He pulled up Han-Yueh’s left hand to his face and seeing those scars he cried out bitterly.

 

Please don’t say anything more. It was too late.

 

“It must be painful at this spot. You faced the sharp blade by yourself. At the beginning, you must be afraid to cut your wrist with the blade. You must be frightened, when you watch the scarlet blood slowly flowing out from your wrist. Yet, you might hope that your life as a nightmare to decease faster.”

He watched the new and old scars in different depths at her left wrist. The latest one was the deepest, which successfully took her life. It was long and deep, even the makeup could not cover the horrible scar.

 

Don’t treat me, the so dirty me, so gently.

 

 

 

“You would be regretful and your anger to this world would collapse and diminish.”

 

 

 

 

 

That incidence seemed driven to despair at the bottom of my heart. It made me doubt that my existence was a nightmare. It was too painful, so I chose to leave this world in this way, so that I could stop all the heartache.

 

“You were ever a so kind-hearted, generous and lovely kid loved by everyone.”

 

Every girl would have dated several boyfriends before getting married. Dating, holding hand in hand, kissing, hugging and finally getting in bed, which are quite normal steps. After that there might be quarrels, then separate, and there would be new love started. Han-Yueh also looked forward to it in the same way. She looked forward to it silently in her youth period.

 

───Jan. 25, 20xx

Today I went with my friends to watch my senior schoolmate, who I had a crush on, playing basketball at their inter-class games. He was so cool. Other people couldn’t compete with him. As the leader of the basketball club, he participated many basketball games representing our school. Oh, He is really so cool. I would like to be his girlfriend and date with him if I get the chance.

 

───Jan. 25, 20xx

Today I went with my friends to watch my senior schoolmate, who I had a crush on, playing basketball at their inter-class games. He was so cool! Other people couldn’t compete with him. As the leader of the basketball club, he participated many basketball games representing our school. Oh, He is really so cool. I would like to be his girlfriend and date with him if I get the chance.

 

───Feb. 14, 20xx

I wasn’t sure if miracle usually happened at Valentine’s Day. The senior schoolmate that I have a crush on, revealed his words to me and I also promised to be his girlfriend and gave him the chocolate I prepared. Wow, everything was so beautiful! Tomorrow will be our first date! I will tell everyone. My senior schoolmate, I love you so much. We should be the most perfect combination. Let others envy us. I am truly lucky.

 

───Mar. 14, 20xx

The White Valentine’s Day is so significant to me. Perhaps due to the chocolate, my senior schoolmate gifted me a gorgeous necklace. It has a lovely silver color bow an it looks so cute when I wear it on my neck. I should keep it well and wear it everyday to the school. So, it feels like my senior schoolmate is always staying with me. I am so happy. Oh, but it is also embarrassing when I speak it out.

 

───Apr. 4, 20xx

Today I walked home accompanied by my senior schoolmate after school. On the road back, I met my brother. I introduced my senior schoolmate to my brother. I must look so proudly, while I made the introduction. From the face expression of my brother I knew he might not be able to stand it. Well, he also did not tell me in advance, when he got his first girlfriend. Let me give him some kind of pressure, so he wouldn’t tell my little secret of having a boyfriend to Papa and Mama.

 

───May 15, 20xx

Thank God for making today a fine day. This weekend was so terrific. I dated with my dearest boyfriend. It was for sure that my brother was the only person who knew it. Our plan today was going to the movies, going window-shopping, having dinner and then home. But we cancelled the dinner at last, as my brother called in and said that Papa and Mama will come home earlier today and have dinner together with us. So, I could only come home and conform to the parents.

The movie was very touching. It’s a story about how a girl walked out from the shadow of home violence. She was really a sturdy girl. If I were she, could I be as sturdy as she?

 

───May 23, 20xx

My boyfriend was not in a good mood today, as I heard that the school he applied did not accept him. He cancelled several of our dates, so he can concentrate on preparing the entrance examination. It made me so miserable. It felt so bad not being able to date with my boyfriend.

 

───June 2, 20xx

Today I really felt not so good, as I had a quarrel with my boyfriend. There was a rumor that the leader of the Student Association, also the son of my neighbor, had a crush on me. OK, I was shocked, when I first heard of it. The boy, who was only interested in academics shouldn’t be a good match with me! Why my boyfriend worried that I might also date that guy? That was a big mistake! I should be the one, who worries that my boyfriend would be robbed away by other girl. However, hopefully the son of my neighbor will not come upon and proclaim it me. Otherwise I would be rather troublesome. However, it was too childish that my boyfriend quarreled with me because of the impossible things. Well, I had better put more effort on academics.

 

───June 5, 20xx

I came upon the son of my neighbor downstairs today, so we went to school together. It was so embarrassing that we encountered my boyfriend on the way. Thank God that guy left me earlier. Otherwise I did not know how I could handle the situation. But it wasn’t so nice of him to leave me alone with the awful mess. I had to face the jealous boyfriend early in the morning. Oh, I could hardly take it.

 

───June 18, 20xx

Today is the Commencement Ceremony of my boyfriend. I won’t be able to see him on campus starting from tomorrow. I felt so bad. It is good that I can wear the necklace that he gave me, so I won’t miss him too much. I hope he studies harder after graduation and does well at the entrance examination in order to enroll in the college he likes. I also will put more effort and set the same college that my boyfriend goes as my target.

 

───June 31, 20xx

Finally it comes the summer vacation. There will soon be the day of admission roster announcement. I must accompany him on the announcement day. If he gets admitted, we should have a good celebration. My brother told me that I should be much careful lately, as a consecutive rapist in this area was still not captured. He warned me not to come home too late. My brother might worry too much. If I go out dating, my boyfriend will escort me back home and won’t leave me until watching me step into home. That kind of thing won’t happen to me.

 

───Jul. 12, 20xx

It finally had the feeling of summer vacation. The weather was so very hot. I cannot see my boyfriend before the dating restriction diminishes. Even the cell phone text message could not relieve the eager to see my boyfriend. Well, I finally went out dating again. My boyfriend, I really missed you for so long. After so many days, you become much more handsome. I noticed that many girls were watching you when we were out there. I raised my nose highly, as I was so proud. Oh my dearest boyfriend.

 

───July 20, 20xx

Today I went together with my boyfriend to watch the admission roster publication. He finally got admission by the college he likes. How nice! We walked around and I gave him the gift I prepared to him. It was the one he has hoped to posses for a long time. He hugged me happily. I was so embarrassed to be hugged on the open road.  But I still kissed his cheek stealthily. It was my first bold action like this. It’s super embarrassing. I won’t do it like this next time.

 

 

 

I sincerely hope that my luck can sustain forever.

 

 

 

“You ever prayed for it to God, but the fate is just on the contrary.

 

───July 21, 20xx

“Next we would like to report an exasperating news. A 17-year-old girl was found in front of the community trash area being raped by the wanted rapist.”

 

 

 

Why? Why me?

 

 

 

“As expressed by the police department, when a neighbor went out to dump the trash, he heard some suspicious and odd sound and found an evildoer were raping the girl. He fought with the evildoer in order to rescue the girl. The evildoer hurt the neighbor and ran away. The neighbor bore his pain, called the police and arranged to send the girl to the hospital. The police arrested the evildoer at a car accident venue about 100 meters from the community and brought him back to the police office with the charges of injure and violation of Minority Sexual Protection Act.”

 

 

 

I only hope to stay together with my boyfriend luckily. Why couldn’t I?

 

 

 

“According to the hospital, the girl had physical conflict with the evildoer. The evildoer hit her head and chest and caused a concussion. Currently she is still in coma.”

 

 

 

Why me! Why!!!

 

 

 

“Ah! Don’t come over!!! Don’t touch me!!! Never get closer to me!!!”

In the dream I ran desperately trying to run away from the ugly and dirty hand. 

 

“Han-Yueh, wake up! Don’t be afraid. It’s Mama.”

Hearing the screaming of Han-Yueh, Mama woke up beside her. She turned on the light and trying to wake her up. The medical care people also came continually upon hearing the screaming. 

 

“Don’t come over! Don’t come over!”

Couldn’t escape from the nightmare of that day, it was a torture to me every night. 

 

“It is so again? Give her a shot of tranquilizer. Five c.c. should be enough. Don’t give too much. The doctor instructed the nurse and wrote something on the patient record.

 

“Doc., is there any other way than giving a shot to my daughter? Isn’t there side effect by doing so?”

Watching the two nurses grabbing the hands of shouting Han-Yueh and then fainted after receiving the shot, Mama held her tears and asked the Doctor.

 

“As the doctor, I tried not to say so. But your daughter has had difficulty in getting tranquil sleep. We cannot let her making noise like this. You must accompany her to go through this period. Do not try to give her hard time. I only gave her a little amount of tranquilizer. As the amount is very little, the side effect is also little. You can watch her respiration speed. It is normal if her respiration speed lowers down. But if she stops breathing or has rapid breathing, please notify us immediately.”

The doctor talked to Mama seriously and wrote something at the patient record again.

 

“Alright. I will pay more attention.”

Mama nodded gently. She sat by the patient bed watching the doctor and others left away. Every night was so difficult, no matter to Han-Yueh or to Mama. 

 

“I heard that the patient in the room screamed again last night.”  “Are you talking about the girl being raped?”  “Whom else you think we are talking about?”  “It happened everyday.  We, nurses, are also very nervous and worrying about it.  I heard that even the doctor could hardly take it.”  “Is that so?”

A group of young and energetic nurses whispered with each other about last night case. They stopped talking when they saw others passing by and greeted with smiles to patients or their families.

 

A lot of harsh rumors started spread out at various places in the hospital and made Han-Yueh not able to breath.

 

 

 

Say no more. Say no more!

 

 

 

“What? Did you say that you want to discharge from the hospital? But your daughter has not completely recovered.”

One day the doctor watched surprisingly the firm face of Mama with an inconceivable expression. 

 

Han-Yueh left the hospital accompanied by her families. It was a day with no sunshine, no wind and no rain. She remembers always the face expression when people watched her. It was sympathy, false sympathy.

 

 

 

Don’t’ look at me like that! Don’t say it any more! Leave me alone! Don’t call my name any more!

 

 

 

After coming home, Han-Yueh still felt that what happened was too Illusory. It was difficult to response immediately to the truth. Han-Yueh couldn’t go to school normally. She went once, but couldn’t face people’s eyesight, the sight of sympathy and derisive sight. At last, she dropped out of school. The neighbor’s gossip made her family not able to live well. Mama quitted her fairly paid job for taking care of the emotionally unstable Han-Yueh. Her brother’s promotion in his company was on hold, due to too much rumor attached on him. He even separated with his girlfriend after several quarrels due to that he cancelled his dates many times in order to rush home to help taking care of Han-Yueh. So many changes made the four members of the many not knowing how to handle them. More and more frays in between made the home not peaceful any more. At last, they decided to move away to a place that no one knew them before.

 

 

 

I am sorry. It’s all because of me. All is my fault. I am really sorry.

 

Han-Yueh started thinking that all was her fault. Things like the weird eyesight of her schoolmates, Papa’s overtime working, Mama’s quitting job, her brother’s separation with his girlfriend, moving to a strange place, or even separation with her dearest boyfriend were all caused by her fault.

 

“Even if these were not all your fault, you still felt guilty.”

 

In the end Han-Yueh started self-mutilation. She found that drawing lines of blood on her wrist could scatter her attention to other things. In this way she could feel the value of living, due to that she herself was a dirty sinner.

 

───Sept. 3, 20xx

After moving to the new home, lives slowly get to normal. No one in the new school knew her past. She felt much more at ease. But she still was afraid that somebody might find that incidence. In the eyes of her families, moving home and transferring school, etc. made a new beginning. Mama went back to work again, and her brother got promoted smoothly, so Papa won’t need to work overtime till very late. It looked like a happy family again.

 

“Excuse me! We are the new neighbors. Hope we can get along well in future.”

Today there moved in a new neighbor  It was the family of the president of Student Association. His parent transferred to another company, so they moved and he also transferred to a new school.

 

It’s a turning point. New home, new neighbor, new school, new teachers, new classmates, new friends, all look so nice. No one knew the horrible and dirty past of Han-Yueh. She felt that she could go to school safely and go shopping with friends easily. She could bury the horrible nightmare in the deepest heart inside and never touched it again.

 

 

 

I hope the new beginning won’t be disturbed. Please let me keep such little happiness, even if all is a false impression.

 

 

 

Such easy-looking life made her stop using the blade to mutilate herself in order to release psychic pain. She could clearly express her uncomfortable feeling to her friends, classmates or teachers. Of course, that incidence was not included in those uncomfortable things.

 

───Sept. 7, 20xx

“I like you. I liked you when we were neighbors in our old homes. May I date you?”

The boy told her when they walked home from school together.

 

“Are you kidding? You should have known what happened to me when I lived in my old home. It’s not possible for me to date with another man and I don’t trust your like to me. So, please do not make the joke to me any more.” 

Han-Yueh said to him seriously and angrily.

 

“I am not joking. I really like you. Even after that incidence, I still like you. I am not the same as your previous boyfriend. I truly like you.”

He did not give up and still hoped that Han-Yueh could give him a chance. He did not pull Han-Yueh, as he knew that Han-yueh did not like to be touched.

 

“Well, it’s up to you. You can like or dislike me as you wish. It’s not possible for me to be your girlfriend. We can only be friends.”

Han-Yueh could not make any more concession. She knew that it was her bottom line.  She couldn’t say anything more and then turn around went into her home to end the conversation.

 

Her families knew that the guy truly liked Han-Yueh, not just goofed around like her previous boyfriend. They knew that the guy’s life attitudes, education and behavior are very outstanding. However, they also knew that Han-Yueh could not date him within a short period, as long as Han-Yueh couldn’t get away from the shadow of that incidence.

 

 

 

I am sorry. I am very sorry. I cannot accept your love, as I am dirty and not worth your love.

 

 

 

“You thought that you could get away from those things and live a new life.  But the fate did not let you go.”

 

───Nov. 18, 20xx

Two months later, Han-Yueh start felt something wrong with her body. The menstrual period was not on time. At the beginning, she thought it was due to the pressure in the past and did not pay attention to it. But one day she felt dizzy and nausea during the class time. She couldn’t wait till the end of the class and rushed to the rest room, vomited for a while and then fainted away. She was taken to the health center. The nurse there did not say nothing much to her, only told her to asked her mother to take her for a physical examination. Perhaps it was because of the stress. Han-Yueh also thought that the pressure might be the cause.

 

“Congratulations. You have had three months pregnancy. It’s a health baby. Please take good care of your health from now on. Avoid catching cold……”

The doctor told Han-Yueh and her mother with a smile, and talked about a few things that they need to be careful about. Han-Yueh wasn’t listening.

 

 

 

Pregnant? Why? What time? I did not do anything with my boyfriend.

 

 

 

“I don’t want it.”

Knowing clearly that the only possibility that made her pregnant was that incidence, yet Han-Yueh did not want to face it. She tremblingly spoke out her thought, her only thought.

 

“Yueh!”

Mama watched the nearly losing control Han-Yueh and held Han-Yueh’s hands immediately.

 

“Did you just say anything?”

The doctor did not hear clearly what Han-Yueh just said, so she asked again?

 

“Such a dirty thing, I ,…..”

Han-Yueh stood up, looked t the supersonic photo of the baby and shivered unwillingly.

 

“Han-Yueh, be good. Calm down. Don’t be so excited.”

Looking at Han-Yueh like this, Mama stood up, holing her hands gently and hope that she sat down. Actually Mama’s heart was even much more agitated than Han-Yueh.

 

“Ms. Han-Yueh, Your mother is right. The baby must be the crystal of you and your dearest lover. Don’t be too excited. It’s not good to the baby.”

 

“What love? What dearest lover? That kind of man? That kind of man? He!!!”

Han-Yueh was shivering drastically and couldn’t finish a sentence. She was so shocked by it. She couldn’t take that the little creature, which appeared not due to love, could be called “love”.

 

 

 

How can such a dirty little thing be in my belly!

 

 

 

Han-Yueh did not know what happened to her. She only knew that after she woke up in her room, the whole family sounded her with worrying expression. Mama wanted to say something. She only wanted to hide herself in the comforts and did not want to hear anything. She knew what Mama wanted to say and what Papa and her brother might want to express. But she did not want to hear them and did not want to understand.

 

“You believe deeply that you won’t be harmed by the things you don’t know. You tried to do so, but you do remember it clearly and cannot be released from it.”

 

“Han-Yueh, Mama knows you are struggling in your heart. Mama discussed with Papa already. You can decide if you ant the baby or not. We wouldn’t say anything else. It’s not your fault. All right?”

Mama tapped the back of Han-Yueh, who shrunk in the comfort, with a little shaky voice.

 

“…….”

Han-Yueh did not answer. She felt that she needed a quiet private space.

 

“Han-Yueh?”

Getting no reply, Papa was a little anxious.

 

“Please leave me alone.”

Hiding in the comforter Han-Yueh asked in low voice with a little blubbering

 

“Don’t think of it too complicatedly, when you are by yourself. All right?”

Her brother looked at Han-Yueh covered in the comforter and spoke in a complicated mood.

 

 

 

It’s that man. I can still hearing his laugh ambiguously. He laughed that he possessed me successfully and let me have his seed.

 

 

 

“Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!”

At last Han-Yueh couldn’t help it and screamed loudly in her room. She screamed and screamed until her throat got scratchy. But she’s still screaming with her horrible voice.

 

Mama asked a few days off for her at school with an excuse that she was still not adapted to the new school and not feeling well. Actually the teachers got some information from her previous school and figured out something about her. So they allowed her to take a long leave and hoped she could recuperate at home.

 

From the day on Han-Yueh stayed in her room with the curtains on and windows closed. She felt her world was upside-down. All methods of torturing herself no matter self-mutilation or fasting could not diminish the pain or guilt feeing at the bottom of her heart. No matter how she tried, she could not recover the scars in her body or in her mind.

 

How can I diminish those hurts? It is so painful to live in this way!

 

 

 

“Your pain and sorrow turned to hates gradually.”

 

After closing herself in her room, mutilating herself and fasting for several days, Han-Yueh started messing up her room. She thought that she must find something in her room, but she did not know what to find. Her families watched such situation day by day. Even the psychiatrist at her old home area was called to see her, but there was no obvious improvement. Papa could not concentrate on his work. Mama asked a long leave and stay at home, before she considers quitting her new job. Her brother also made mistakes often in his job. Her families finally decided that the unwelcome baby should be moved off. They don’t want Han-Yueh lived in such a way due to that baby.

 

However, the guy came to visit Han-Yueh everyday. Though Han-Yueh closed herself in her room, he tried to talk to her at the door. He hoped that Han-Yueh could learn to lay down and not to lay all the things on her shoulder. He felt that if it kept going on like that, Han-Yueh might drive herself crazy.

 

 

No, I can’t. No matter what I did, it hurts badly at my chest.

 

 

───Nov. 27, 20xx

The day Han-Yueh came out from her room and wanted to go the bathroom. Mama saw her out and was glad to trying to say something to her yet was wondering what to say. Han-Yueh abnormally watched Mama with a smile. Mama felt something odd, but did not ask why Han-Yueh was in such a good mood.

 

“Han-Yueh, Mama has something to talk to you. Can you listen to it?”

Mama stopped her when she came out of the bathroom and stepped to her room.

 

“Yes, why not?”

Han-Yueh laughed slightly. She smiled like that she felt that she did not belong to this world.

 

“We, Hum. It is about the baby.”

She thought that Han-Yueh did not want to hear it. But when she saw Han-Yueh was smiling, she could not say it smoothly and did not know how to start.

 

“The dirty thing. What about it?”

Hearing that Mama talking the thing in her belly, Han-Yueh did not care, but still wrinkled her eyebrows.

 

“Actually, I discussed with Papa and your brother. We think that moving away the baby would be better to you.”

Mama thought for a while and then talked to Han-Yueh imposingly.

 

“Ho… Humm……”

Unexpectedly Han-Yueh’s response was not so strong.

 

“However, if you want to deliver the baby, we also will not object it. Mama only wants you to have a good life. Don’t you mind those things.”

Watching Han-Yueh in that manner, Mama thought that she might be still cannot decide, and added the supplemental right away.

 

“It’s all aright. Let it as you wish. I don’t want the dirty thing either.”

Han-Yueh did not express other idea. She just wanted to go back to her dark room, which fitted perfectly her current status.

 

Han-Yueh lay on her bed stilly after she went back to her room and thought about Mama’s words a while ago. She recalled the bloody image of the abortion film played in school before. She also thought of those pictures in the legend of abortion that she saw from the web, such as the aborted baby incarnated into devil and tried to revenge to the mother after abortion or being discarded, etc. At that time she was not able to understand why those people moved off the baby at their wish. Now she more or less realized it.

 

 

 

Because I do not have love to you, please disappear.

 

 

 

There were still a few days to the scheduled date of abortion. Honestly, at the beginning many obstetricians refused to help, as abortion was still an illegal business at that time. Han-Yueh herself also knew that she would walk on an illegal way. She would kill a new life, even if she did not expect the new life. She still had that indescribable guilty feeling. She did not say it to anyone, as she did not know how to explain the complicated emotion.

 

 

After all how can I get the happiness I want?

 

 

 

“That kind of inexplicable hate accumulated slowly and continually. There is no sign of diminishment.”

 

In fact Han-Yueh did not want to remember when she removed the baby. However, she remember clearly though she tried hard to forget it. She hated herself of keeping recalling the time when she was lying on the operating table before she lost her conscious. Every night she dreamed that she was holding a bloody baby. The baby kept calling her and asked her not to abandon it. The callings turned into screaming.  It screamed and cursed Han-Yueh, who had the abortion and shouted that it will get revenge of her.

 

 

 

I am a murder. I killed a person, who even has not ever breathed, with full of hates.

 

 

 

Han-Yueh woke up with a start everyday. She cried alone in her room. She knew that she had to be strong, but she couldn’t be. She did not want to talk with her families about what’s in her mind. She thought that wouldn’t do any good.

 

“You thought it would be over in such a way. However, the gear still stuck again.”

 

The day Han-Yueh went back to school. When she stepped into the classroom, she found unusual atmosphere spread out. It felt similar to the same atmosphere as in her previous school. She worried, extremely worried. She felt uncomfortable watching by the weird eyesight. She dared not to ask. I was afraid once she asked, the thing that she worried about would really happen.

 

“Han-Yueh, May I ask you something?”

Right after she sat down, the one sat in front of her turned around with questions.

 

“Yes?”

Han-Yueh replied with trembling voice. She felt that she knew the questions of the girl.

 

“Are you the one being raped at the xxx community?”

The girl whispered her question with a very, very low voice, which could only be heard by Han-Yueh. She looked at others and then looked at Han-Yueh.

 

“!!!”

Han-Yueh could not answer. She felt her warm blood in her body suddenly froze into ice.

 

“Just as expected. Is it true? How poor!”

The girl watched her pale face with an expression of realizing and sympathy.

 

“Why did you ….”

Han-Yueh difficultly recovered her voice with shivers.

 

“We heard from the teachers that something happened to you, so you took a long leave. Others watched the TV after going home and learned that the rapist was condemned already. And they also found that you were transferred from that community, so they guessed that perhaps …”

The girl first stammered and then said self-complacently.

 

“Did the teacher say that?”

Han-Yueh couldn’t believe that the exposure of that incidence was from the mouth of the teacher she trusted.

 

“Yes, so wouldn’t it be that you took a long leave for the abortion?”

The girl did not feel the abnormal situation and asked continually.

 

“I …”

Han-Yueh did not know how to answer such hand grenade like questions.

 

“But you are not the one to be blamed. If I were you, I would like to take the abortion.  After all, it was not what I want. I am still young and moreover it was the kid of the rapist. Poor of you! I think others would also feel that you are so poor.”

The girl still talked about her own thought. But her louder and louder voice made other joined the subject, discussing the judging Han-Yueh’s incidence.

 

“Right. Don’t you worry about it! It won’t happen the second time. Our community is very safe.”

Another classmate joined the subject and walked to their seats. Others came over continually.

 

“However, did you go see the doctor? If you got sex disease, that wouldn’t be nice.”  “What are you talking about?  It’s not polite to say so.”  “It was so miserable that Han-Yueh encountered that incidence. We must protect her. Let’s see if we should escort her on her way back.”  “The rapist ever raped several females. He might got AIDS.”  “Will we be infected then? Poor Han-Yueh. She’s just a student.”  “Is it horrible to take abortion? You are really very poor. You are so young and yet already knew how abortion goes.”

The group of people discussed and discussed. The subjects were side tracked and then off-tracked.

 

“Don’t say it any more!!!”

Han-Yueh stood up rapidly with anger, watched the classmates and shouted.

 

“What do you know at all? Poor? Sympathy? I do not need you sympathy with any emotion.”

Han-Yueh shouted to the classmates and rushed out of the classroom.

 

 

 

I can’t. Why I felt I couldn’t quench my anger? Why me? Why?

 

 

 

“In the afternoon of Dec. 1, you decided not to be the slave of the ugly and dirty fate.”

 

Han-Yueh rushed home. She could not understand why her teacher did the excess thing. She felt that she was betrayed. It was clearly agreed between the school and the families that the incidence won’t be mentioned. She did not understand completely that why the teacher would do so. But comparing to those doubt, she was so angry. She was very furious. The dark and heavy hate from the bottom of her heart made her wanted to shout out.

 

 

 

Why me??? Put away your insignificant sympathy!!! Put it away. I so not need your sympathy. Not at all!!!

 

 

 

Screaming and running along the way Han-Yueh tried to release her anger loudly. Right after she got home, she ran into her room and took out the red one-piece clothing from the closet. It has been her favorite clothing. But after that incidence, she felt disgusting upon watching that dress, because both she and the rapist wore in red at the time of that incidence. She felt disgusting as if they wore the so-called his-and-hers clothing.

 

 

 

If I want to get away, I must go straightforward, but wearing beautifully.

 

 

 

Han-Yueh made a deep breath and exhaled. She took out the long time not being used cosmetics and put on light makeup, combed her hairs and then watched herself in front of the big mirror.

 

 

 

Feel…lose some thing…

 

 

 

The image of her in the mirror seemed missing something. She thought of her favorite jasmine. So she went to the windowsill, where planted several jasmine. She lowered her head, smelled them and picked them up one by one. She pinned the biggest and prettiest one on the chest and hold others in her hand and watched her image in the mirror.

 

 

 

I also need some drug, which will not awake me on my way to hell.

 

 

 

She swallowed one hand and one hand of the drugs that the doctor gave her into her stomach; no matter they were sleeping pills, anti-depressants she swallowed them all. Then she took the snap-off knife, which she used to self-mutilate herself and walked in the bathroom. Fill up the bathtub with water, scattered the jasmine about the bathroom. She closed her eyes and smell slightly the jasmine fragrance, which was the last smell of her favorite fragrance.

 

“You do not hesitate at all, because you are so angry. You hate the world and even hope the world can disappear or not being born before.”

 

 

 

In this way everything will disappear. Nothing needs to be aware of. Nothing needs to exist. Nothing will make me painful. Nothing needs to be care about.

 

 

 

She grabbed tightly the snap-off knife and cut hardly and fiercely at her left wrist, which was with scars of various sizes and depths.

 

Lines of blood spurted out from her wrist. The blood spurts into the bathtub and splashed on the white jasmine on her chest. It was the white jasmine dyed into red by the blood. She dropped the knife and walked into the bathtub and soaked her body into the bathtub stilly and let the tap water keep flowing out. The water in the bathtub also was dyed into red by the blood of Han-Yueh and then flooded out and flew away from the drain.

 

“In this way it ended. You can never slave me. You damn fate!”

Han-Yueh closed her eyes with smile, felt her body getting colder and colder and fell asleep.

 

 

 

“You damn fate. That’s how you called it before you died. Then, you died."

 

 

 

Not knowing how long the time has passed away Han-Yueh felt she heard the sound of ramming the door. Then she felt that she was picked up by something. She felt that she was wobbling. There were many calling sound at her ears. But she was so tired and did not want to open her eyes. She felt that she was put on an ambulance forwarding to the hospital. She felt that she was waken up once or twice by the stink of the electric strike. At last she heard the doctor said to others that she was dead. At the very end, she heard a lot of people crying and calling her name. She slept like that until the time of the beginning of the funeral ceremony and then regained consciousness to sense the loosing five senses.

 

 

 

“Excuse me. It’s about time for next ceremony section. Are you all ready?” 

The emcee knocked the door slightly and said to the people in the room. 

 

“We’re rea-------”  “Just a moment.  We still have something not yet …”

Mama’s answer was interrupted by the man nervously.

 

“Are five-minutes enough for you?”

The emcee asked in spite of other people’s surprising face expression.

 

“Enough, five minutes or so, quite enough.”

The man smiled bitterly and thanked the emcee.

 

“Sorry to interrupt your conservation. Oh, would you all make the last confession with me to Han-Yueh? All of us?” 

He laid down the hand of Han-Yueh, turned his head around, watched Han-Yueh’s families and requested.

 

 

“Sure. Han-Yueh would be very happy.”

Mama watched Papa and Shi-Chen, nodded softly and walked toward the coffin.

 

“Mama came to see you again. Mama decided not to cry this time.”

The most badly crying Mama spoke first.

 

“Mama wants to thank you, Han-Yueh. Thank you for choosing me as your mother. Thank you for giving the chance. Thank you.”

With a smile Mama held the hand of Han-Yueh and smiled slightly with heavy bitter taste.

 

Please say no more.

 

“I hope you still choose me as your mother in next life. Let me as you integrative mother, as I really love you so, so very much.”

At the last minute Mama could not hold her tears but still with a smiling expression.

 

I am sorry. Very sorry to let you cry sadly. I am truly sorry.

 

 

 

“You are regretful, and ask yourself why you did so.”

 

 

 

“Papa is the same as your mother and will stand on the same front line with you.  Even if the whole world discards you, Papa would hug you in my chest.”

Papa held Mama with one hand. The other hand put on the tightly closed icy hands of Mama.

 

Please don’t say it again.

 

“Today probably is the day I drop the most tears in my whole life. It was a bit ashamed, but I would rather drop the painful tears for you. Let me cry a little bit more only for you.” 

Papa smiled bitterly and touched the face of Han-Yueh again.

 

“It was only because that Papa feels the same as Mama. We thank you for choosing us as your parents and love you very, very much.”

Papa moved away from Han-Yueh’s face and hugged the trembling and tearing body of Mama.

 

I am sorry for not working hard to grow up. I am truly sorry.

 

 

 

“You even would like to ask yourself why you were so silly at that time.”

 

 

 

“Even your brother does not know what to say to you now. However, I am glad to have a sister like you. I have been proud of you.”

Shi-Chen watched Han-Yueh and held Mama’s hands, which were grasping the hand of Han-Yueh.

 

Please. Don’t you say anything any more…

 

“In next life, please let me be your lover. I will protect you well and keep you far away from those insures. This time I did not protect you well. I am really sorry.”

Shi-Chen watched the peaceful sleeping face with a self-blaming face expression.

 

“Please remember. I love you very much just like Papa and Mama love you. We love you very, very much.” He held tightly the hands of Papa and Mama and watched Han-Yueh bitterly.

 

I am sorry… I am really sorry for letting you cry so sadly… I am truly sorry…

 

 

 

“If possible you would hope that everything could be start all over again.”

 

 

 

“I will not say anything more. What I want to say is endless. I believe you can feel the love of your family and my love to you.”

The man did not hold anyone’s hand, but crying badly. It was the last minutes that he could watch his most beloved person, so he tried to print the image of Han-Yueh in his mind forever.

 

Sorry. Really, really sorry!

 

 

“Do you regret?”

 

 

 

Yes… I am really, really regretful… I would be nice if I did not kill myself…

 

 

 

“We love you forever.”

 

Thank you for loving me.

 

“When you get there, be sure not to get yourself lost again.”

 

Feeling the voice was not so clear any more.

 

“We will always …”

 

What? What did you just say? I cannot hear you clearly.

 

“Time is …..”

 

Is it time? But I do not want to die yet.

 

“….. Yueh ….”

 

Please don’t leave me now! Speak louder…

 

 

 

“The last───is the hearing sense.”

 

 

 

“You, Are you regretting?”

 

Yes, I am very regretful. If possible, I hope that I can have another chance, the chance for a change.

 

“If you get the chance, what do you want to do?”

 

I don’t know. I don’t know it clearly, but I know I will make a change.

 

“Is it so? It is enough if you have the intention.”

 

What do you mean?

 

“Imagine that you can still see and then live to sense it with the five senses.”

 

 

 

Han-Yueh opened her eyes slowly, watched the dark gray ceiling. She was in a daze and did not know what was going on a while ago.

 

“Didn’t I die already?”

Han-Yueh got up slowly and looked around her room with suspicion.

 

 

 

“Imagine that you can still see and then live to sense it with the five senses.”

 

 

 

“Isn’t that just a dream?”

Han-Yueh thought of those things and thought of those “persons” who have been talked to her.

 

Han-Yueh walked slowly to the windowsill, pulled out the curtains and found that the sky was still dark. She looked at the clock and found that it was only five o’clock in the morning and the date was Dec. 1, 20xx.

 

The jasmine plant at the windowsill was with morning dew. Han-Yueh patted it gently and watched the largest blooming jasmine thinking vacantly. She recalled the fantasy dream, which went a bit too fast and she could hardly keep up with the pace.

 

“…Use your five senses to feel…right?”

Han-Yueh seemed realized the true meaning of the sentence. She watched the calendar and then looked out through the winder and laughed gently.

 

───Dec. 1, 20xx 6:00 o’clock in the morning

Getting the answer that she wanted in her mind, Han-Yueh opened the window and let the breeze blow in and caressed her cheeks. She closed her eyes and enjoyed the chilly and slightly humid breeze. She inhaled the fresh air and let the air moist her lung in her body and she found surprisingly that she still could sniff the fragrance of her favorite jasmine. She opened her eyes, moved the table and chair near the windowsill and watched silently at the view out of the window. The window was facing the east, so Han-Yueh felt that she would be able to enjoy the sunrise of the day.

 

 

 

“They said that when the human being was born, the first sense them got was the vision; the second sense was the taste; the next sense was the touch, after that was the smell. The last was the hearing.”

 

Han-Yueh watched the sun climbing up the mountain from afar. The color of the sky was so beautiful. It started from the dark gray, gradually turned into purple blue and then turned into purple red and then turned into light blue with a tint of orange. At last she saw the golden light into her eyes. She cried. She felt that the golden light of sun redeemed her. The golden lights pricked into her eyes and made her not able to open her eyes and made her in tears. Han-Yueh found her tears tasted salty, not bitter and not astringent.

 

She had a little emotion and a little bit touching, which is the emotion she could hardly describe. Han-Yueh felt that it was so nice that she could be still living. She cried and cried until her mother knocked the door to wake her up. Mama was surprised to find her crying. In the end she hugged tightly her mother, her father and her brother. They were amazed by her and then hugged her back. The human body temperature is 37 degree Celsius. It is not too high and not too low. Han-Yueh found her like such temperature.

 

Han-Yueh sniffed hardly the fragrance of noble perfume from Mama, the smell of Papa’s cleaning cream, and the smell of fragrance pack in her brother’s closet. She tried to memorize the smells in her mind. She thought of her favorite Jasmine, turned her head around and saw the largest bloomed jasmine fell off already. She went over, picked up the jasmine, smelled once and then put it at the head of the bed.

Han-Yueh now learned that sometimes she might forget to sense the smells. Actually those senses were always there, sometimes one may not want to admit their existence.

 

Hearing her families calling her name, Han-Yueh suddenly felt that she was so lucky.

Her name was not so easy to acquire. She liked her own name. She loved her own name. She asked her mother to call her more times and then cried out happily.

Others also called her name crying but also smiling. Han-Yueh realized that the name given by the people loved by her is not to constrain her but to allow them to call her name at their happy time.

 

 

 

 

“Does it feel good being living?”

 

Yes, no matter good or bad it was the most significant time when I live at the moment.

 

 

 

“The day you died once. And then, you lived once.”

 

＝ＥＮＤ＝